Dark Thoughts [[Edward]]

[sabriel]

Seth Clearwater was a boy changing to a man. He'd seen so many things in the past week, a wolf disbanding from his pack to protect the girl he loved, a sister who chose himself and vampires over the man she loved fruitlessly and his pack. A mother giving up her life to carry a child. Those were things of suffering. Seth had seen so much suffering.

Seth was human, unusually, for he was nearly always on patrol now. Jacob had just spelled him and Seth wanted to spell Edward for a bit. Edward too was suffering, but this wasn't suffering as Seth had ever seen it before. Edward was burning from the inside out and kept it all inside, and he was burning quicker for that. Maybe, Seth thought, if he lets it all come out, like with tears, it won't be back for a while. Somehow, it seemed like everybody was suffering.

Seth paused at the door, but walked straight in anyway. They practically lived there now. Seth could see straight away that Bella was worse. The straight-out sentance was easier to accept, Bella was worse was better for him than Bella hung, a sick grey colour, from the IV tubes that were trying to keep her alive.

Shuddering, Seth went straight up to Edward, his idea of letting it all flow out presented itself in his mind. Seth's brown eyes caught Edward's gold ones and locked themselves there.
"Edward, come on buddy."
Seth could see the burning man that Jacob had described descending on Edward. He grabbed him (albeit gently) and towed him out to the door and down to the river. Now, now it would all start to flow.

[edward]

Bella was dying right before his eyes. And there was nothing that could done about this. Rosalie wouldn't even allow Bella to be alone for a second. And with each passing minute Bella was in pain. And it continued to grow. Bella was literally dying before his eyes. She was in such pain Edward didn't have to read her mind to know this. Even if she refused to admit it was still true. Bella was hurting because of him. Nothing he did could ever change this. He was the reason for this. If he had known he wouldn't have even . . . it did no good to think about this. It did no one any good. What was done was done and there was nothing that could change this. Bella would die and it would be because of him. No matter what they did nothing could prevent this. Bella would have the baby regardless of what anyone told her. She was willing to die for it. To kill herself just to let this monster live. It shouldn't live, it shouldn't even be possible. But it was and here Edward was unable to do anything about it.

Edward wanted it dead. The baby that was killing her. There was nothing Edward could do or say to stop this. Rosalie wouldn't let any of them get close enough they couldn't even discuss this any longer. Rosalie didn't care if the baby was killing Bella. It needed to die Edward had pleased with Jacob to do something. To do anything he could to try and convince Bella otherwise. To not let her die. To prevent this to allow them to get rid of the baby. It was the only way to save her. And yet it did not good. Nothing could change Bella's minds. It was killing Edward to watch hour by hour how much Bella would change. How much closer she came to death as the baby within her grew. And how Edward could do nothing. That is what killed Edward the most. Not being able to do anything. Not being able to change Bella's mind, not being able to save her. And Rosalie she was even more protective over the baby seeing what was best for the baby, for it.

Edward barely paid attention to any of the thoughts around him. His eyes always focused on Bella. Wanting there to be something he could do. Edward would gladly let Jacob kill him once the thing killed her. He couldn't live with himself after this. There would be nothing he could do to prevent this. Edward would not do anything to prevent Bella from being happy the very reason he could not do anything about the baby or even Rosalie. Edward turned his head as the door open and the scent reached him. He knew Seth wanted to talk but it would really do no good. Edward couldn't bring himself to see the point anymore. After Bella is killed by this thing there would be no point. Edward followed Seth he would let him talk but he would not show how much agony he was in. Edward had always admired Seth there was no denying this. Edward would not be as honest as he had been with Jacob. Seth was young he shouldn't have to be doing this.

[sabriel]

Edward had come, that was something. One small knotch in Seth's belt. The river was silent, almost as though it was in mourning. Bella, dead and gone. Jacob killing Edward and the baby, the Cullen's possibly killing Jacob. Maybe even Sam's pack would battle with the Cullens, Leah going back to Sam. The supernatural world would be at an end for Seth. He didn't want to go back to Sam, he didn't belong there now. The Cullen's would move away, but Seth couldn't go with them, not without Edward. The pack would no longer need to patrol, with Edward and Bella dead. Seth felt a prickling in the back of his eye. He forced it back, he wouldn't cry until fate was determined.

Somewhere along the river, Seth turned to face Edward.
"Just let it flow, you don't need to hold it in now. She's not here." Seth had seen the reason for Edward bottling it all up in Jake's thoughts.
"Open the bottle, Edward."
If he just popped the cork and let the liquid flow, it shouldn't come back.

Liquid never came back to the bottle.

[edward]

Bella was dying and the thought hurt Edward more than anything could. It wasn't just the fact that Bella was dying it was the fact he was the cause of it. If he had known what would have happen if he had known it was even possible he would have never given in. He would have preferred having Carlisle change her than what was happening now. He had wanted Bella to live her human life so much longer to not give it up so quickly. To endure that than having Bella begin dying because of what he had done. Because he had wanted Bella to go to college to try and live as much of her human life as she could. but now all of that was not possible. He was killing Bella. It was his fault entirely and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Bella refused to get rid of the thing and Rosalie was so protective. He wanted to rip Rosalie away from Bella but he could not.

Edward knew this made Bella happy. It made her happy. The baby was a monster and each day it killed her a bit more. Edward could not express this to Seth. He was to young he shouldn't have to put up with all of this. It was not right. It was not fair. "Seth there is nothing to talk about." Edward respected Seth his thoughts were often so pleasing so pure and innocent. He shouldn't have to be doing this. He shouldn't have to go against his own pack for this. For something Edward had done. Edward would want to be dead after this he would be begging for Jacob to kill him. He could not go on like this knowing he had been the one to cause such pain to Bella. To see Bella each day, each hour get worse and worse it was the worst pain he could ever go through. Worse than when he thought she was truly dead. Because now he was watching Bella die right before his eyes. Even if she said she was 'fine' she was not. She was in such pain such misery and she hide it all. Edward could not read her thoughts but he knew she had to be.

Edward looked at Seth hiding his misery as well as he could. No Edward would not pour all his misery upon Seth as he had Jacob. Edward had hoped Jacob could have done something change Bella's mind. It was not something Seth had to hear again. Edward knew Seth had heard this through Jacob's thoughts. Probably the very reason he wanted to speak to him but it would do no good. Edward would not reveal how much pain, how much misery he was in because of what he had done. It was not fair of him to do so. It was hard to not let the pain show to not show how guilty he felt. But he couldn't. He would not show Bella how he was feeling she deserved to be as happy as she could. Edward would not deny her this and he would not allow Seth to see this either.